Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
