Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
