You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
