mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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