Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
