so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
