I think im going to throw up on grandma
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
