WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
