yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
