You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
