you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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