he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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