I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
