News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
