I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
