I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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