im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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