I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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