dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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