and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
