Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
