matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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