If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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