I just saw a hot homeless man
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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