Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
