Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
