Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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