Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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