you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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