why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
