Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
