I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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