shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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