Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
