I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
