I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
