I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
