I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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