I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
