I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
