Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
