your parents love me but you hate me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
