Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
