Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
