Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
wow bdsm is so cute
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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