I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
