I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
