I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think i have two assholes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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