So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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