I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
