I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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