Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
