I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
