Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
