I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
