Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
